Bleo Awards Honor Excellence, Wretchedness
SARATOGA, California - Last night’s Bleo Awards ceremony, chemotherapy’s answer to the Oscars and the Emmys, honored the year’s best in side effects, medical procedures, and medication. The awards, named for a drug that often induces fainting, were hosted by Jillia Robertson in an undisclosed location. As was widely expected, Milk of Magnesia won in all categories for which it was nominated, edging out Neupogen shots for unpleasantness and Prednisone for worst taste. A full list of nominees and winners appears below.
| Worst performance by a leading side effect (nominees: hair loss, nausea, fatigue). These side effects were roughly equal in unpleasantness, but nausea took away one of the great pleasures in life: reading cookbooks. Winner: nausea.Worst performance by a side effect in a supporting role (nominees: hiccups, sore arm, heartburn). Although hiccups were the favorite early on, and heartburn turned a surprisingly strong performance, the sore arm was the only one to cause insomnia for several nights running. Winner: sore arm.
Least pleasant self-inflicted procedure (nominees: Milk of Magnesia dose, Neupogen shots). Milk of Magnesia, originally appearing benign, grew in unpleasantness over time, until it took hours to “psych up” for a dose. Neupogen, despite a strong start, gradually became almost routine. Winner: Milk of Magnesia. Least pleasant procedure inflicted by medical personnel (nominees: bone marrow biopsy, PICC line insertion, Bleomycin test, chemo without a PICC line). In this fiercely competitive category, simply poking a hole wasn’t enough to win. Only the bone marrow biopsy was performed with the patient unable to see what was going on, adding mystery to the discomfort. Winner: bone marrow biopsy. Worst-tasting medicine (nominees: Prednisone, chemo drug that gives the alcohol taste, Milk of Magnesia). Both Prednisone’s bitterness and the chemo drug’s alcohol taste can be neutralized with lollipops, but Milk of Magnesia is truly wretched. Winner: Milk of Magnesia. Lifetime achievement award: In a departure from tradition, the Academy granted a joint lifetime achievement award to chemo-brain and Prednisone. Academy President Jill Valenti explained, “Chemo-brain, or chemonesia, is generally confusing and depressing. But with the ‘better living through chemistry’ induced by Prednisone, the condition becomes amusing and even humorous.” |
 Jillia Robertson arrives for the Bleo Awards. Photo by Michael Kelley. Hair by Roberta. |
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